Welcome back to the Mindful Mary Podcast. It's my great pleasure this week To have on the show. CJ Silas. CJ is a baseball stadium announcer for Cal Poly and Alan Hancock College. She is an E S P N Radio host on the CJ Silas Show, and she's a football play-by-play announcer.
She went to USC and Syracuse and she grew up in LA and she now makes Shell beach her home, and I have the great pleasure of running into her at coffee all the time. Welcome to the show, cj. Thank you. And did we meet at CrossFit? Is that how we first met? Was it CrossFit? Yes, yes. Five cities, CrossFit, we met, um, there and then it's just small town.
We just, I feel like it's probably a cosmic connection that we keep, keep coming back together. But it's also small town. We run into each other and yeah. And empowered women who, uh, wanna uplift. Other women are attracted to each other, so I think that's part of it. Yes. I completely agree. That's beautiful.
And she's a, what's your position at the Pismo Preserve? I, well, I'm, I'm called the Outreach associate, but I call myself the Pismo Preserve Mama Bear, because I take care of all the animals and the parking lot and the visitors and the volunteers. Yeah. Why? Wow, that's a big job. That's a lot of people and it's my side hustle.
So what does that tell? Yes, exactly. Exactly. Well, speaking of hustling, I think that's what you've been doing your whole life it sounds like. And I listened to your podcast, your interview on mishaps, mayhem, Misha's Magic and Mayhem, and loved your story. And I thought that it would really resonate with my audience here.
at this podcast, you know, we talk about bodies being a woman and our evolution in the world, how we're challenging paradigms, how we don't fit into boxes that people put out for us, and how we shatter glass ceilings instead of trying on glass slippers. So tell us a little bit. Your story.
Where would you like to begin? Well, first of all, from all the glass ceilings, you should see all the scars from all the glass that somebody recently said. I think it's on my website. You're a barrier breaker and that we shouldn't be saying that anymore. I'm probably gonna have to change that on my website because Okay.
Those barriers shouldn't even be up. Right? So if we continue to call them barriers, then we're gonna manifest and create them to still be there. So, but the glass ceiling is, is true. I mean, I've been doing this now, I started in 1988 at uh, Santa Monica City College. then, you know, had gone to college at U S C and then left and went to Santa Monica to work in the radio station stuff, and then went back to school at Syracuse where there was a really good broadcasting program.
And that's why they call, I dunno if you know this, they call Syracuse Sportscaster U if you look in the business, like 25%, between 25 and 50% of the people that are out and successful in sports TV and radio, and management, sports management athletic departments, they've gone to Syracuse. So it's kind of this awesome, awesome generalization, but it's true.
So that's why I went there cuz some of my idols had gone there. Bob Costas and Marty Glickman and will McDonough and you know, Mike Terico, Sean McDonough, so many. So I thought, we'll, I'll go there cuz that's where these guys came from. And so that's how I ended up transferring and moving all the way across the country from LA was to be at this place where they would turn out all these people to do sports.
Not knowing that when I got there, I'd be the only woman everywhere. And so that's kind of how it started. So yeah, I mean, even it, it's Santa Monica City, the professor I remember was actually probably more supportive than. At USC or Syracuse in Sportscasting. the professors were very inviting and encouraging in college, but they were doubtful, pessimistic, but also couldn't be hypocrites.
So they had to encourage me. It was all the people my age. It was my peers in at Syracuse and Annette Santa Monica City that were like, what are you doing here? So it kind of started. . It was bad then. I try not to sit in that, but that's where it all started. And so you moved cross country, completely different culture on the East coast and, pursuing the same, going in the footsteps of your, in, in what you wanted them to be, your predecessors.
Right? Right. And. what kinds of things were you met with? I mean, what was the, what was the prevailing message in the sportscasting world? Was it like, it's a me just men only, or what, what were you feeling and hearing in Syracuse? I was, I was hearing a lot of, what are you doing here? You shouldn't be here.
You don't know enough. How can you know enough? And it started pretty. Quick. I worked at a student run radio station that had a sports department at an N P R. So it was a professional national public radio station, but the sports department was on campus and the whole radio station was, and it was led by student run sports department.
The news department, the music department, the front offices were all professionals, but then the sports department was run by students. So the sports director was a kid, usually younger than. And the, the process was you learn how to write, then you make tapes and you learn how to present, and then you get critiqued and you get better and better and better.
And as you walk the path along the way with help from the critique from your peers that are also managing the sports department, you get better. You get good. You get to do games on the radio first. For a long time, you're just making cassette tapes and you're sitting in the stands at Syracuse Football Games and Syracuse basketball games, and you're making tapes like around in the public.
And the plan was, and which is h how it happened for most of the, the boys was do a few games, you get critiques, you leave the tapes on the sports. Manager's desk, he listens to it. He brings you in, he gives you critique, and then you move on. Well, they didn't listen to my tapes. They just stacked up.
Year, month, season after season, stacked up, stacked up. Nobody listened to my tapes. Three and a half years. There were kids jumping past me. It was. And I stayed over holiday breaks. I stayed over summer breaks in Syracuse, so it would give me a chance to get on the air more because everyone else went home.
So I would stay on the East coast and I would do all the shifts because everyone house had gone home for spring break or summer holiday break, whatever. So I just kept doing it and I just finally, it was my last semester and I went to the general manager who was a professional, and I said, I've been here three years.
My tapes are stacking up. We've gone through three sports directors and nobody has cleared me to do a game. And I came here and I pay just as much as everyone else to go to a very prominent private school in New York outta state tuition. And I haven't gotten a game and I'm gonna graduate in three months.
So he went into the schedule and he took a game from a couple other guys who'd already done games. It might have been their second game of the year, could have been their fifth game of their career there. And he gave me a game, oh, that did not go over well with those boys on the sports staff. They called an emergency meeting and they took the time.
They all showed up. They didn't know I was coming. I went to the meeting and they literal. In front of me, told the general manager that I wasn't worthy, that I wasn't smart enough. I didn't put in my time, I didn't know enough, I wasn't good enough. And he said, well, nobody assisted her. Nobody went over her tapes.
Nobody did the critique that everyone else was getting. And she's doing a game and she's gonna do Syracuse, West Virginia, in Morgantown, West Virginia in November, freezing free. . So I went, it was awful. I mean, the guys were, I literally sat and listened to them, criticized me. I had to do everything I could to not cry.
I actually, when I was little, my mom taught me how to put my F pointer finger into my thumb and press to get the pain of the Novocaine shot away. So I use that in that meeting so I wouldn't cry. And I literally had a dent with blood in my thumb cuz I had pushed so hard in that meeting so that I could not cry.
So I flew to Morgantown. They made me room with a boy in a hotel, which now would be completely unacceptable, especially with Title ix. I mean, it should have been then, cuz Title IX had already been here. And I went and I did this game and they put me outside on the roof in Morgantown, West Virginia. It was like 20 degrees below zero.
It was so. fact, a couple of the guys that were covering it for the TV station that had also gone to Syracuse and knew me, gave me their jackets so that I could, stay warm enough to do the game. So I did the game and at the time, they put 'em on reel to reels, which people probably don't even know what that is.
It's a real to real tape. And the job of the guy in the studio who was the host was to take off all the highlights from the game and archive. I went back to Syracuse about seven years ago and they still had never archived my game and I was the first woman to ever do football at Syracuse and we found the tapes, the general manager of the radio station was different and he and I found the tapes in a box Real to real tapes in like 2000, I don't know, 14 or so.
And we pulled the tapes out and somebody was gonna archive them. I'm pretty sure it didn't happen, but I have them on cassette. I still have the games on cassette in my drawer right now. Still have those cassette tapes. So that's how my career started right away. And so that was kind of the preparation for how I was gonna be treated along the way.
Awesome. Wow. Wow, wow. Wow. I know, right? No words man. No words. No words. No words. So you're, I mean, you've come a long way since then, but , I hate that you've come a long way, baby. Remember those, those, um, that's, but it's true. I mean, and it's really not that much better. Oh my God. but you're still carrying all of that.
You know, you're right, Miriam. I'm carrying it, but I'm very aware of it and I'm, and I, I've done a lot, my gosh, if I had all the money back from the counseling and the therapy. Okay. And the EMDR and the hypnotherapy. Oh, good. Good. Plus live therapy. I could probably buy like a, Here and a house in Jamaica with all that money.
But it was worth it because it, it gave me the ability to push through and not never give up. I mean, I'm now, what are we, 2022 next month all, I've been doing this for 34 years, am I where I wanna be? Probably not everybody around me that stayed in the business, they're all successful. They're making six figures, seven figures.
They're on national radio and TV stations. I see it all the time and I'm still like, what the fuck? Right, right. What the fuck? what's the barrier for men? I mean, where do you think that block came from with men? I mean the people. The people who were in your way or are in your way still.
Like, what's the deal? Well, I think it's history, right? So women that wanna work in tv, there's a lot, there's a lot more, you see a lot more women, there are a lot more women doing tv, sidelines, studio. There's actually now a few, a woman or two that are doing some play-by-play. But radio is different because radio, they can't.
And men don't really wanna listen to you. They wanna look at you and they wanna size you up. And so it's more acceptable in TV because they can look at you, they're not even listening to you. And I'm generalizing cuz there are a lot of men in the world now that are very present and supportive. I mean, a lot of people, but it's not enough.
And in radio it's just, it's a little bit, it's behind. It's behind tv. it's happening, but not the way that it has on tv. It's progressed slower. Um, I've been in three different chairs at a national level doing sports radio, and all three times they're not comfortable with your delivery or it's d.
Men have difficult time working with you. And for a long time I took that all personal. Oh my gosh, did I? And then I had to learn through a lot of help, a lot of, um, journaling and a lot of counseling and processing and relationships with women and support from other people. I had to figure out a way to not take it on my heart and.
Walk around with the anger so that I could continue moving forward. And in sports radio, it's, I think if you looked at it now, and I said this at one of the places that I left once, I said, it's not me that needs to change. It's the behavior of the men in the room. But it was easier to get rid of the woman who caused the behavior issues.
And it's like, it's not. Let me fix my behavior. It's, I'm sorry, I hurt your feelings. So it's not about what you're doing, it's always about how she's reacting, right? Instead of fixing the behavior and changing the behavior and, expecting higher standards for the men in the room. It was have a thick skin.
Cj, just don't let it get to you. Just call your friends when it's. It was always about my reaction as opposed to their behavior. Why not make the men be more mature and respectful and less degrading and patronizing and sexist in no harassment and no uncomfortable work environment? Instead of fixing any of that, let's just remove the woman from the equation and then everything's okay and still that same network.
Has like two women working for them. And that was almost 16 years ago, 18 years ago, where I was at that place. So I don't know, man. and there are so many women that were doing this, Miriam, when I was, and they, they left, they gave up, they got out. So I have a really thick skin. I don't let it get to me, but it stays inside.
So that was my own personal work that I had to do that I'm still doing. To not walk around with the bitterness and the resentment and the pain in my heart from what people said to me and how I was treated. Because you, it's impossible not to doubt yourself. When every single person around you, every day in your office is doubting you, where you, you're having to prove your credibility.
I mean the testing, always with the testing. Does CJ know? Does she know enough? Oh, cj do you It just, the daily daily pestering, it's not even a good word. Really it was abuse. It was, it was just constant. It was everywhere I worked. But 10 years ago when I started the CJ Slists show, almost 11 years ago, it was probably 10 years ago, November, that I started doing the CJ Silas Show, but it will turn 11 in March.
it's cuz I had to do it myself. I had to get away from the bosses. I had to get away from that, you know, that man management and create my own.
You know, it's sad that we have to step outside existing games or the existing structure, but you know what? If you're not gonna play nice with us, we're gonna make our own fucking game. You know, we're gonna, we're gonna create it ourselves and we're gonna bring everybody with us. Yeah, but I mean, you can say that, right?
But to. The CJ Silas Show. Yeah. On a, on a scale that I deserve, on a national scale. Yeah. Still hasn't been done. Yeah. And this show's been on for March will be 11 years and it's, it's, my podcast is in 21 countries. I do better in other countries than I do here. Mm-hmm. , um, I still can't make a living from the show.
Mm-hmm. . So that's why I do all the jobs that I do. but I do it my way, which was, um, something that was really important to me was to do it. Without some old white man telling me what to do. . Yeah. And unfortunately, and now I do it my way, but I do it and it, I don't get paid. The show pays for itself, the webcast, the podcast, the studio fees, cuz I own my show.
So I pay e s, ESPN N for the time and I pay ESPN to use their logo and all that, which there's nobody else on the planet that. And I've been doing that since March of 2012 and it's never changed. So I still pay for my time, which is unprecedented. But the reason I do is cuz when I wanted my own show, the only slot that they would give me was Saturday morning at 7:00 AM which is when.
The infomercials are on. So I bought like the hour that it's like a prostate show or remember Car Talk. Those guys paid for that slot. So I bought that 7:00 AM slot on a Saturday morning, and then was fortunate enough to get the ratings and the attention and the listenership to move to Wednesdays at 5:00 PM and 8:00 PM Eastern.
But I started at 7:00 AM on a. Wow. Awful, awful. But it was the only place I could get with my name on it. I could have continued to fight my way up the ladder to another network show and work for someone who's telling me what to talk about and yeah, trying to hone me in and, oh, CJ, you got, you can't, you gotta do it this way.
They won't accept you this way if you do it that way. I'm like, you know what? I'm so done with this, but I wanna do this. Yeah. I cleared all my savings, all my retirement, everything to start the CJ Sil show everything. I was on food stamps for eight years on the CJ Silage Show, struggling to just pay my rent.
Wow.
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And so now I'm pretty proud that I can say I'm not on food stamps anymore for now, like three plus years. And I have my own show and I do whatever I want. And when I see this partner out doing that, and my former partner out doing that and another one doing that, I'm like, well, I could be bitter and angry, but I'm living at the beach and I do my show my way.
So I, I gotta do other things. Mm-hmm. . Um, and, and you know, my next step is that Major League baseball stadium announcing job. And there's only two women doing that. So, of 30 jobs, there are two women. What's a percentage? I mean, that's less than one, right? It's teeny.
Well, it's low percentage of jobs too, , right? Right. I mean there's 30 jobs. It's only 30 jobs in the country, in the world. Right. There's 30 major League baseball stadium announcing jobs in the world. And there's two women and one of 'em is new. She's been with Oakland like two years, and then the woman in San Francisco's been there over 25.
And that's it. The Bay Area. is that like the, the dream totes? Totally, totally, totally. And last year, I mean, I think you knew last year I was a finalist for the Cubs job in Chicago. Yes. And now I'm up for the job in Atlanta. Ooh. I haven't, I haven't hit the finalist stage yet, but I'm in the running now.
Okay. My stuff's all in and I'm waiting. And they're, yeah, in the next couple months, it's time. Aaron. Awesome. Come on. You need your, yes. I feel like, you know, Tony Robbins used to talk about like the stone cutter, where you're like, have you, have you listened to him at all? A little bit. Yeah. You chip away, you chip away, you chip away, you feel like you're not making any progress, and then one day it just all comes and you have this beautiful sculpture underneath, you know?
Can't wait for the sculpture. There's like, you know, once, once it's mermaid, mermaid progress sculpture with a microphone in your hand. Heck yeah. like, progress is not linear. In any, in anything that's natural progress is not linear. You know, they're growth. Like you look at children, there's growth spurts, plants, there's spurts also, the seasons, were all, everything is cyclical and windy and not like this, know?
And so I feel like your time is coming. There's gonna be a reckoning for cj. There's gonna be universe, , the Chumash, goddess, spirits, Adonai, Ella, God, you know, every, whatever, Jesus. Whoever, . But if it's baby Jesus, I want the baby Jesus from Talladega Knights with Luther. Yes. The sixth pound, seven ounce
Yeah, but I'm not giving up, you know, I'm at this point and I'm like, okay, so. . If I didn't do this, what would I do? Go be a broadcasting teacher. I mean, what would I do? Right? If you, if you give up, I mean, being a broadcasting professor would be amazing. Right. It's a great job if that's what you wanna do.
Mm-hmm. . But not if you're giving up on someone else, uh, something else. And then resigning yourself. Yes. So it's one thing to wanna be a professor and a teacher mm-hmm. , but it's another thing to wanna be something else. And then, That whole cliche of those who can't do teach or whatever. I'm like, yeah, yeah.
Oh no. I'm gonna teach while I do. I'm not gonna teach. That's right. Teach. That's right. So yeah, I'm, I'm, you know, hashtag never give up. Hashtag be the chain. Yes. Hashtag wrote to the majors. Yes. I'm not giving up and it might take long to you. got, nothing but time. Kudos to. So I'm curious, do you have any, so on the flip side of men's major league baseball, right?
There's women's softball and I don't even know why it's softball and not baseball for them. First of all, it's a different game, but it's, it's, that's why it is, it's a different game and people forget that they think that softball is because women couldn't play. . Mm-hmm. . But there was always a game of softball.
It's different game. the ball's bigger, it's faster pitching. You're closer. The base. Base paths are closer. The rules are a little different. It's still a diamond sport. It's in the family. And I do, I do softball at Hancock too. Oh. But it's not baseball. They're two totally different sports. There's a professional women's softball league, a national softball fast pitch association.
I forgot the exact, wording, but, but that's not what I wanna. So I could do it. Maybe I could start trying to do it, but that's not what I wanna do. So it's not less, it's not resigning, it's different, and it's not what I wanna do. Can I ask why? Well, I was, when I was growing up in LA and my parents were going through a divorce, and my grandma and I would watch sports together, she told me about this guy named Jackie Robinson.
And Jackie Robinson was the first person of color to play in the majors, and he struggled and he did it, and he broke barriers and. Made it possible for people of color to play in the majors. Unfortunately, he also was one of the reasons the in Negro leagues fell apart because then the black players ended up starting to go to the majors.
So they didn't, it didn't really work that they were both, cuz people were trying to figure out which was better or worse. I don't even know cuz I wasn't around for that, but, but I was a little girl and I was like, well wait a minute man, if he can be the first brown person to play baseball, I wanna be the first girl to play.
That's what, that's how it all started. I wanted to be the first major league baseball player that was a girl. So I went through the whole little league and I was one of the first ones to play a little league in la. I had to fight for that and. Then I got shifted to softball because girls weren't allowed to play at a certain level, so there was the softball adult, right.
So for me as a little girl, it wasn't that it was bad, it's just, oh, this is because I can't play baseball. So it was a negative for me as a little girl, different sport, but it wasn't described to me and explained to me that way. And Jackie Robinson didn't play softball and he was, my spiritual guidance still is.
So playing softball. Being a softball announcer, all great things, but not what I wanted and not what I want. So it's not a, it's not a second choice or a resignation or a down or step back. It's just different. And I love softball, just not what I wanna announce. do you think it was about baseball that really hooked you in?
I think it was because that's what I was turned onto when there was a lot of problems going on at my house as a kid with a divorce growing up in la I mean, my parents' divorce was not, they just didn't break up and co-parent. Right. It was, it was the seventies. we lived in a very, very, Upscale neighborhood in LA called Bel Air.
Uh, when he left, he didn't pay child support or alimony. We lost the house. We ended up on food stamps, like he was a total douche. So it was my escape and it was kind of what me and my grandma did. We watched Dodger games. Together and UCLA basketball and Rams football and UCLA football and Lakers games.
And so that's kind of what, what it was for me. Sports was my escape from what was going on at home. But then as I got older, I learned that it was also the way to get at my dad's attention cuz he was not great. And so the only thing that mattered to him was how pretty I was. If I could play sports. So it was kind of my connection to this biological father that down the road ended up really not being my dad.
My mom remarried and I have an amazing dad. my biological father is still in my life because of respect. Hopefully he will not hear this . I don't think he's technologically savvy enough to find you, but whatever. It's the truth. He made that choice. but I think. I didn't realize that until later in my life, maybe like in the last 10 or 15 years that it was the way to get his attention.
He showed up for my sporting events.
And so what would it mean to you if you got a Major League job?
I can't even.
I don't even know.
It would be like was all worth it and it would be like acceptance. It would be, uh, it would be proof that, you know, you can dream. It would be proof that, you know, you could do anything you want, never give up no matter what is thrown at you. And no matter what, uh, your journey is like, I can't even believe how big that party's gonna be.
I mean, I can't, that first game in that town and all the people that are gonna come and
the celebration, like I just can't imagine. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to handle it. It's fucking hard and it's painful and it's frustrating and it's disappointing, but I don't have regret, but I just, I can't even imagine what it's gonna be like.
I can't, I can't, I don't even what do you think it would mean for you? Or maybe what, what it mean about you? It would mean that all of it meant all of it was worth it. Um, I was just listening to a song. I saw the Whitney Houston movie this week. I don't know if you're a fan of hers, but she had a really difficult life and she had a song, It's about all the children. Wait, I have to tell you. I have to tell you because the words. The words really resonated me with me this week after I saw that movie. Greatest Love Of All. Oh yeah. We sang that for my sixth grade graduation . So, so you hear it, you know, you think it's about kids, right? And the greatest love of all.
Right? Yeah. Yeah. But it's not, It's about teaching them to love themselves, giving them se, giving 'em pride, making it easier for them. Everybody's searching for a hero, but the hero is not outside of yourself. It's yourself. Don't walk in anyone's shadow. If I fail, I know I lived as I believe, no matter what they say, no matter what they do, they can take my dignity, but.
The greatest love of all is happening to me. I found it inside of me. Ugh. We all thought it was like a, a boyfriend or the kids, cuz we didn't listen literally two days ago. That song hit me like, , I have listened to the outside voices about my body, what I look like, my worth, my credibility, my talent, my sense of humor, my intelligent, all, all intelligence.
Always looking for something on the outside to affirm and confirm me right when it's a bunch of bullshit, right? Because none of that's gonna work. It's not gonna help. it's gonna numb you from what's really going on, and that's what's in. and I have never understood that until now. Can you imagine what my career would've been like had I not let any of that get to me?
I don't think it would've changed the direction, but I would've handled it better. I would've had less toxicity with, eating. I would've had less body dysmorphia. I would've felt better about myself. I wouldn't have exercised as much as I did. I wouldn't have, judged myself by how I looked and what I shape.
I was. Because that was my escape, right. Sports and being a, an athlete. If I win, if I get the trophies, if I prove to them that I'm the best by getting, being number one. Yeah. Always chasing that gold star. Yeah. What, what women were supposed to be pretty, you didn't even have to be smart, pretty skinny, happy, easy to get along with Compliant.
Compliant. Obedient. Yeah. Yeah. All of those things. Oh my gosh, I cried. Sorry. I'm so sorry. I tend to put that out on people. . No, but, but, but I, no one's asked me that question. Not even the women making waves. Like no one has ever asked me that question that wanted to hear the answer. That's what it's, and you wanna hear the answer, so I was, do I do?
you know, I was just thinking to myself that we put ourselves on a trajectory and sometimes it's difficult to zoom out and it's healthy to zoom out every once in a while and just be like, do I really want this, you know, , and so I was just thinking, I was just reflecting on that and wanted to hear your perspective on it.
What do you think? or do you care? Um, Do I care? Do you, what do you think your, your dad would think when you become a Major League baseball commentator? That's interesting. So my dad, Harry, which is my stepdad, who was, has been married to my mom for 46 years. There'll be 47 years next month. Okay. He's gonna be super pumped.
My biological father. Yeah. Unfortunately yes. Has not done any personal. has never taken responsibility for who he was, has never admitted to it. Doesn't understand why my brother and sister hardly talk to him. I do talk to him, but he, they don't, I know he's gonna, you know, put it all over the world in his emails and all his friends and take a lot of credit and, At the time, it will be so minimal to me because of all the processing and, and work I've done to let all that go.
so it won't hurt my feelings. I won't get bitter, I won't get angry. If that's all he's got, he can have it because the truth is the truth, right? So, I mean, even with college, like I went to two of the most expensive private universities in the country in Syracuse and U S C, and he contributed nothing.
My sister went to Lewis and Clark and Northeastern Law School. He contributed nothing. My brother went to Northwestern and Bolt Law School at Cal. He contributed nothing. I'm not mad about it, but it's the truth. So if he wants to go out into the world and tell people that he's got, he's responsible for that.
The few people that are listening. I don't fucking care about, but the people that know in my heart, in my world, in my circle, they all know. And Harry, my dad. We'll be at that first game, even if he's in a wheelchair, you know? So I've come to that place and it's taken a lot of work, and I'm super grateful.
I'm so grateful that I've done the work that I have and the processing and the manifesting and the past live work and everything. The E M D R and the hypnotherapy, everything that I've done. To get to this place because it's not gonna hurt my feelings if he goes out into the world, whatever the world is, and, you know, gets on his podium and says, that's my daughter.
Well you know what, you're really just the sperm donor and we all know that, but I don't need to say that. You know, he did gimme a couple things. Drive athletic ability, talent, numbers like accounting in my brain, like I'm really good at math. That's about it. And it's wonderful and it's a part of me, and I am, I honor that, but it's so little of what I've gotten from my mom and my aunt and uncle that live on the east coast.
His brothers, my father, my stepdad, So it's, it's, I'm really at a super present and comfortable place with it. I'm not bitter, I'm not angry, I'm not resentful. I'm not disappointed. I still have to release it sometimes, but I'm super aware and that's really nice place to be. Really nice place to be.
It's very healthy. That's beautiful. What do you think was going on with him that, do you have any idea? Well, he was brought up in a, an abusive family. Um, his mom kind of allowed it, so I think that he was mad at women real early on in his life. So he's a a chauvinist. He's a misogynist. He's, you know what, you know how Bill Clinton had.
Like super, like beautiful personality out in the world as a president and as a man. And then he had this sneaky, weird, sexy side behind the scenes and he might not have even like Jekyll Hided himself, like, I don't even know. Maybe Bill Clinton's done the process, like released the Monica Lewinsky stuff.
I don't know. Maybe him and Hillary have worked it out. Maybe his kids have processed and everyone's healthy now. But I think that he was like that. Jekyll and Hyde, like that person out in the world, like in the accounting world, out in the, um, at the temples. He was always, everyone loved him. He's beautiful and handsome and, uh, charismatic.
But behind the scenes, what a motherfucker, you know, like making, uh, passes at my friends and doing inappropriate things with my mom's friends. Like, creepy, creepy shit. So I think it started when he was a kid, like his mom. Let his dad beat him maybe. And how would you not think that that's bad? And who knows what his dad like?
You have to go back to people's history and I don't need to, cuz then I'd have to spend too much time with him. and my uncles, his brothers. I'm very close to, extremely close to my dad's family. Just not him.
So have you ever connected his misogyny with your shatter? glass ceilings. Oh, I'm sure they're part of it must be because I was always trying to prove my worth to him. Mm-hmm. . So it started young, right. To get him to pay attention to me because even when we were little, I mean they got a divorce and I was like six when my mom finally had the courage to kick him out.
And then, I mean, even on the weekends when he had us, he wasn't paying attention to us. He was into the girlfriend or the tv or he's just yucky to be around. And so yeah, there's must have. Some sort of connection, which, I've been definitely battling the man thing for a long time, but I'm not angry and I'm not a man hater at all.
And I probably was when I was younger, but no, I'm not anymore. Oh, no, you're the most loving, warm. Genuine open person. I know to everybody, you know, , that takes a lot of work. Sister , it's still a process. You're like, you can pay my therapist . Yeah. I, I actually haven't been in therapy in a long time. I do more like go to the top of the mountain and pray to the Chumash Goddess warriors and manifest Ooh.
And use Jackie Robinson as my guide. Yeah. Um, but I do, I go for an, I go in for like a little tuneup maybe once a year Yeah. With Acupressurist. But her, she, uh, focuses on Jin Chin Jitsu, which is an Asian, touch therapy. Oh yeah. And I do that a little bit. Like I would say maybe not even once a year anymore, because I'm doing the work.
I'm pretty. Which is nice. Beautiful, beautiful. Yeah. Now I get to spend my money on food and wine and friends and vacation once in a while. My little dog, . earlier you talked about how if you had not been. Striving for that external validation, you know, maybe life would've been different in terms of like your eating patterns and you mentioned body dysmorphia.
Tell us a little bit more about that process. that started really young because I remember, you know, being pretty was really important at my house. Not sure it was with my mom. My mom was very beautiful, but it. My biologicals and there was, I mean like we would be at the dinner table and you know, I wouldn't get seconds even if I was hungry.
I was always hungry. I was always hungry at his house because I wasn't given enough food. And then I was always hungry at my mom's house because he wasn't paying anything. So, I mean, my mom was on food stamps and she made soup that turned into pasta sauce. That turned into Sach. That turned into hotdog stew cuz she made it happen.
But I was hungry. For a while. that was part of it, but also really it was like about being pretty started young and I would've probably been a bulimic, but I really had a repellent to vomiting. So I did a lot of, binging and not purging. Like I would eat a lot, a lot, a lot until I got sick and then I would hate myself it would be this cycle.
And I finally went into. therapy with a hypnotherapist in my twenties that worked through that. But I mean, I used to do a lot of like hiding bags of fast food and driving down the highway and eating rally and jack in the box as fast as I could and throwing the bags out the windows so no one saw it, but I was alone.
It was just weird. Yeah, and I think my relationship with food has been unhealthy my whole life. I've worked through it a little bit more in the past, like three years, facing my sugar addiction and my exercise addiction was really the sugar addiction I found. August of 2020. And the exercise addiction I found in August of 2022, like I just am finally saying the phrase.
but I did jeopardize things in my life to exercise three or four hours a day. Mm-hmm. every day for years and years and years. And I'm clear now, and my body's a little broken because of it too, because I, you know, I over exercised and during roller derby, I had to be the best all the time. So, You know, got hit a lot for 10 years and now my hips are hurting.
And, so I'm, I'm paying for the body dysmorphia and the food issues, but I'm also very, very conscious and present with it, thankfully, in hopes that I can share my story with young people and they aren't. You know, the exercise addiction is very, very difficult because we call ourselves athlete. So if you're an athlete, you can exercise as much as you want cuz you're trying to win something.
But I don't need to be a competitive athlete anymore for people to love me and approve of me. So what was the pivotal moment for you to realize that you had a, an exercise addiction? I did a skate athon to raise money for. Land Conservancy in August, and I was committed to skating 500 laps as quick as I could just to be a badass for no reason.
Just to get like, oh, you did it. Here's money. And so I did it in like an hour and 40 minutes and I woke up the next day and I could hardly walk. And it was time. It was time. So for three months, I didn't do any running. no strength training, no hills at the preserve and on the nature preserve. Where I spent time, I was doing a lot of flat walking and stretching and mobility training and I spent a lot of extra time with myself and that was a life changer.
And it was recent cuz then in November I felt, oh, I'm better, right? Everything wasn't hurting anymore cuz I wasn't doing all the gnarly stuff. And then I went back really slowly in November and I'm back. Where I was maybe in September. So I'm having to rethink it all and figure it all out. It's a process, man.
And it's, I mean, it's, I still think about what I'm eating every day, how much I'm eating, what's, what's it gonna mean to my body? How am I gonna look? How are my clothes gonna fit? And that is, I mean, I don't think that goes away with women. I think we just tame it and have it under control a.
what do you think you could do, or how do you think life would be different if you, if that voice wasn't in your head? Uh, I would have, I would've spent so much less time disliking myself and judging myself and exercising when I didn't need to. And just always. Counting the calories and Oh, such a waste of time and energy, man.
you know, I think that relationships, I mean, I'm single and I'm 56, and I didn't choose the right men in my life. I chose really nice, wonderful men. I didn't, I wasn't in any physically abusive or dangerous relationships. I had some mental abuse, which I think all women do. and not to belittle it, but it's just, it's.
and we allow it, and then we enable it. but I think that maybe I would've had, a healthy relationship with the right person, but I'd always given my energy and time to exercise and my career, and then I settled. So maybe I wouldn't have, I don't know. But whoever he is, he's out there looking for me.
He just hasn't found me yet.
that's right. well, after my divorce, I, did a lot of journaling and a lot of therapy, and one of the things that the therapist, suggested or. Conceptualized for me was that I need to be like my own tree. Right. And he needs, this other person needs to be their own tree and we need to be rooted.
Right? Yes. Rooted in the ground. Yes. Completely rooted. And then just coming together with the branches. Yes. Isn't that beautiful? I like it. And that way cuz the, my previously relationship was , you know, girl, I don't so dependent, I don't even have any, like, I don't have any way to like even symbolize my relationship.
cluster, fuck, we call that . Yes. I call it hashtag fuck. Fuckery. Yes,
The good news is Miriam, I'm not, I don't, I'm so lucky I don't have a lot of lonely feelings. I've done so much. Yeah. Processing, like even through the pandemic, I was so lucky. I probably had like three days of lonely and they were right around, like you're right around the high holidays or something when I, I couldn't be with my family, but knock on wood, I've had some wonderful relationships with the not right person.
Mm-hmm. . and now I'm just training myself for the right one. Like I am not gonna settle and I think I'm gonna get the baseball job. And then he's gonna show up once I'm settled. That's right. Because I don't wanna get distracted by love right now. Is that weird? No, not at all. That's totally on point.
And that's you spreading out your branches. Yes. Yes. You know, shining. Because when you are shining brightly, that's when the other trees start to notice you. When you are living like your truth and your Yeah. Highest, your being your highest self and doing what's good for the world. Yeah. And your pur, you know, living your purpose, that's when totally things kind of fall into place.
Yeah. And the whole cliche, you know, it's when you're not looking for it, well, you know, sometimes, but I think for me it would just be a distraction because if I fell in love in San Louis Obispo, Yeah, there's no major League baseball team here. The closest ones are la, San Francisco and Oakland. Mm-hmm. , San Francisco and Oakland already have women.
Mm-hmm. , the guy in LA's not leaving. So if I get fall in love here, I'm distracted and maybe I don't wanna leave, but if I, when I get that job out there, then I'll, that's right. But he'll be there. Or maybe those women get other jobs. You get a chance to stay on the West Coast ? I would love to. I mean, I'm manifesting San Diego Anaheim.
Seattle. Mm-hmm. Atlanta or Portland, if they get a team. Now, if Oakland moves to Vegas and they don't take her like she doesn't wanna move, oh then the Oakland job would open up cuz the the A's are talking about moving to follow the Raiders. But I can't bank on that. Right. I just keep doing what I do.
That's right. That's right. And I don't wanna take a job from a woman, I'll tell you that. No fucking way. well. If she's going to something she wants, wants to go to. Sure. But I would never wanna manifest a job where there's already a woman. That would just be shitty. I gotcha. Because we have to be in the sisterhood.
There's too few of us. That's right. as you were talking about, Your struggles in sports casting and Jackie Robinson too. I'm thinking about him and, how, you know, the black and Jewish, civil rights movement has really been parallel in a lot of ways. Yes. Um, if you look back at the Crown Heights history, you know, there's all of that in the sixties, but, sometimes I wonder, and this is, tell me if this is true for you, but for me, for a long time I felt like I was carrying almost like a torch for struggle as a representative of my, my people. And it was almost like, I was waiting. I was like, okay, go. You know, life, come at me, let's go. You know, Touche.
Like on, on guard or whatever. Yeah. And I was like, maybe man manifesting struggle for myself because I was just ready for a fight at all times growing up. Yeah. And I love. our shared culture in Judaism and ethnically, you know, the shared ethnic culture. but also, you know, I think that there's a lot of focus on struggle and hardship, and this is life hard, life is hardship and it's very.
Opposite of the, you know, manifest what you want and let it flow to you. Allow it, you know, it's very, very opposed to that. does that resonate with you at all? You know, it's an interesting thing that you would ask about that cuz if you know the history of the Holocaust, it wasn't just Jews, it was blacks, anyone, brown gays. I mean, we were all together. Mm-hmm. . So I think that's part of why we kind of, hold each other in power together. I mean, there are of course small percentage of people that don't get it, but I think the cultural struggle for anyone that's.
Jewish woman, gay, brown, whatever, is something that we, for a long time felt like we were fighting on our own, but I think now we are coming together, whether it's women, whether it's black people, whether it's women and black people, you know, whatever it is. But I also think that we as white people have to do something.
Brown people gay people have been doing it their entire life alone and it has not worked. So we have to step up if it's all of the cultures, ethnicities, groups that have been minimalized as one, that's a big group, you know, rock on. Right? So yeah, I think that there is a connection. and I think it goes back to the hol.
I think there were a lot of people in those ovens that were not just Jewish people. I mean there were other people in there too, just, just the Jewish number was so big. And all the movies and all the stories are just about the Jews, but they're not the only ones that were in there. The drag queens were in there too.
That's right. You know what I mean? So That's right. And in terms for you though, in your own personal struggle, do you feel like. Our shared ancestral history, how does that affect you? it's got to because I, I don't know if I was articulate enough or aware enough to see it when I was younger, but picking Jackie Robinson is my spiritual guide, please.
Right. The first brown guy to play in the majors, even though it wasn't always received well because he, you know, the Negro Leagues kind of disintegrated slowly. there's something there, there's something, I don't know if I could have said it then, but, clearly I'm more attracted to people of color.
Like I like to date people of color, so, and I'm just, I feel like, people that are different or more my jam, all people that are different, whether it's, a d. Sexual orientation or a different, anything really like a person that uses a wheelchair or a person that you know date, a woman that dates women, or a guy that dresses as a lady or whatever it is.
I feel like I'm more attracted to people that are different because I am a little different eccentric in with as a positive. inclusive inclusivity exclusively. Eccentrically? Yes. Open. Yes. Aware. I think we're at kindred spirits in that, me for sure. Coming from special ed world. And, you know, Jews, immigrants, persecuted, people for Yes sir.
Now here we're just white girls, right? I mean, if people don't know that we're Jewish, it's like, oh, you're just a white. Yeah. And then we get pumped in with Karen and then that's all weird. Yeah, that's fun. I stay out of all that. Yeah. Well, I don't watch the news. I do read the paper, but I choose, but I don't watch the news.
Well, this is a great place to come, full circle, cj. In the community that I have, um, it's called the Body Freedom for Busy Women Community. We talk about body freedom, feeling light, healthy, confident, and free. Strutting your stuff, being able to walk around in a burlaps sack and feel beautiful. Woo.
You know, what does body freedom mean to you? Oh my gosh, that is a loaded question. Sister , comfortable amount. Not worrying about the reflection. When I walk by a building and there's a, a, a window and checking myself, does my arm look fat? How do these jeans look? Can do I have a double chin? Is my skin old?
I don't know, man. I don't know if that's even possible, but I know I'm more comfortable in my skin as a human, and the rest is just gonna have to work itself out. I can only do so much.
Cj, it's been such a pleasure. I love getting to know you even more and having the opportunity to connect and I really, I mean, if, if you get that when you get that job, thank you. In Atlanta, yes, brothers, watch out. Oh my gosh. That's the, that's city the land to find a brother. Um, but I would love to keep you on the West coast, if possible.
Well, maybe I'll do six months and six months. Who knows? Yeah, very true. Very true. Okay, cj, where can we find more about you? The CJ Silas Show on Instagram. My website's easy. The cj silas show.com. Okay. Easy peasy. yeah, my, my show is on. That platform. You can also find my link tree on Instagram.
I don't, I'm, I'm start, I'm breaking up with Twitter actually next week. I haven't made the full announcement yet, but next week I'm deleting Twitter and it's really hard because I know that it's important for some people, but it's awful. And so I'm doing that next week. I think , you hate it. Um, but yeah, I would just say Instagram.
On Facebook. Mm-hmm. . My website is more interesting cause it has everything about me. And you can get to the podcast from there. Yeah. See photos, roller derby, like there's everything. So that's the spot. Oh, we didn't even talk roller derby, man. Gosh. We'll have to another one. This I know we'll have to do a part two just about roller derby.
Yes. All right lady. Thank you so much. It's been a pleasure.